Repair cannot start while injury continues
This module identifies what escalates you, what retraumatizes, and what falsely feels like repair but isn't. Many couples "make up" without actually stopping the loop,they just pause it until the next trigger.
False repair looks like: quick apologies without change, sweeping under the rug, making up physically without addressing the pattern, or one person conceding to keep the peace. Real repair requires stopping the injury loop first.
Exercises (done together when regulated)
- Injury Identification: What moments or behaviors escalate us? List them without blame,"when X happens, I feel Y."
- False Repair Recognition: What have we done that felt like fixing but made it worse? (e.g. premature "I'm sorry," changing the subject, giving in to end the fight.)
- Containment Agreement: When we pause (e.g. "I need 20 minutes"), when we resume, and what we will not do during the pause (e.g. no leaving the house without saying when we'll be back).
Write the containment agreement down. Refer to it when one of you needs to pause.