The Repair Process
Ruptures will happen. The goal isn't to never fight it's to repair faster and with less damage each time.
Most couples try to repair by figuring out who was "right." This doesn't work. Repair is about reconnection, not adjudication.
Being right feels good in the moment. But being connected feels good in the long run. Which one do you want more?
The 5-Step Repair
- Acknowledge, "We got into the loop again. That was hard."
- Own, Each person shares what they contributed (not what the other did)
- Validate, "It makes sense that you felt [x] when I did [y]"
- Need, "What I needed in that moment was..."
- Repair ritual, Physical reconnection (hug, hold hands, something that signals "we're okay")
The Repair Script
"When [thing happened], I felt [feeling]. The story I told myself was [interpretation]. What I actually needed was [need]. Can you tell me what was happening for you?"
This keeps the focus on your experience rather than their behavior, which makes them less defensive and more able to hear you.
Practice a Repair
Think of a recent conflict and practice the repair process together:
1. Each person uses the repair script
2. The listener reflects back what they heard
3. Close with your repair ritual
Ready for the next lesson?
Make sure you've completed the workbook exercises before moving on.
Continue to Lesson 5 →