Understanding The Loop
Naming the chase-withdraw dynamic
You're not fighting about the dishes. You're not fighting about texting back. You're fighting about safety.
One of you moves toward connection when stressed. One moves away. Both are trying to regulate. Both feel misunderstood. And the more one chases, the more the other withdraws. The more one withdraws, the more the other chases.
This is the loop. And it will keep running until you both see it clearly.
How The Loop Works
The Chase-Withdraw Cycle
Neither person is the problem. The loop is the problem. You're both reacting to each other's survival strategies.
Sit together. Read through this module out loud. Be honest about which role you tend to play.
Identify Your Positions
Most couples have one person who tends to chase and one who tends to withdraw. Sometimes it switches depending on the topic. Name your patterns.
What The Loop Looks Like For Us
Describe a recent loop. Be specific. No blame. Just observation.
Share Without Defending
Take turns sharing what you felt. The rule: You can't explain or defend. Just listen. Say "I hear you" and nothing else.
Why This Matters
The loop isn't about love. It's about nervous system regulation. When you see it as a pattern instead of a personality flaw, you stop blaming each other and start working together against the loop.
You're not enemies. You're two nervous systems trying to feel safe in opposite ways.
Name The Loop
Give your loop a name. Something you can both reference when it starts. This creates distance between you and the pattern.