People think being afraid of love only looks like running away.
Sometimes it looks like clinging harder. Sometimes it looks like over explaining. Sometimes it looks like starting fights you do not even understand.
That is the flip.
Your brain has two main modes. Calm mode and alarm mode.
Calm mode can see nuance. It can notice affection. It can pause before reacting.
Alarm mode does not care about nuance. Alarm mode is here to keep you alive, even if it has to burn the whole connection down to do it.
The flip happens like this.
You feel calm. You like someone. You start to relax.
Then the closeness hits a certain point and your body whispers "What if I get hurt. What if this is a trap. What if they leave. What if I disappear in this."
Your nervous system takes over. Flip.
Emotions get loud. Logic goes quiet.
For some people the fear points outward. Fear of being left.
Thoughts like "They do not care." "They are pulling away." "They are talking to someone else."
You text more. You over explain. You check in ten times. You read between every line because the quiet feels like danger.
For other people the fear points inward. Fear of being trapped.
Thoughts like "I will lose myself." "They will control me." "I will never get away if this turns bad."
You shut down. You nitpick. You become cold. You pull away first so no one can capture you.
The behaviors look opposite, but it is the same flip.
Beneath both is the same question.
"Can I be safe and still be close to you?"
The problem is, most of us judge ourselves on the surface.
We call ourselves needy, too much, clingy, obsessive. Or cold, detached, heartless, avoidant.
We never stop and say "My alarm system is too sensitive. It got wired by old experiences. It is firing as if I am still in that house, that relationship, that chaos."
The flip is not proof that you are broken. It is proof that your body is still trying to protect you using old information.
Your work is not to bully yourself out of the flip. Your work is to notice it and relabel it.
"This is my alarm, not the whole truth." "My emotions are loud because I care, not because I am crazy." "I can slow this down and choose a different next action."
You might always be someone who feels love intensely. You might always have a sensitive alarm. That does not mean you cannot have healthy relationships.
It means you need partners who understand that when you flip, you are scared, not evil.
And you need to become the version of you who can say "I am flipped right now. I need a moment to come back to calm before I decide anything."
← Back to Blog